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New
Year's Resolutions for Stepfamilies
By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. |
The dawn of
2010 is a watershed moment for what we might call the
New American Family. This is the year, according to many
experts, when stepfamilies will outnumber first families
in the U.S. One in three Americans is now a "step" of
some sort -- stepparent, stepsibling, or stepchild.
There's now no denying that stepfamilies have our place
in mainstream American culture. But there are plenty of
struggles too. Many stepfamilies find they don't get the
support and understanding they need from their
children's schools, or from their churches or temples.
Stepkids feel loyalty binds -- a sense that to love or
even like a stepparent is a betrayal of their real mom
or dad. And stepparents often feel shut out -- by
partners who have gotten used to years of parenting
solo, and by stepkids who, the research shows, tend to
be hostile and rejecting of a stepparent in the initial
years of the repartnership -- and sometimes for years.
Here are ten simple steps stepfamilies can take to usher
in a decade of stepfamily satisfaction:
- Resolve to be a
couple. Remarriages with children are twice as
likely to fail as those without. Stepcouples are
assailed by challenges including children who are
unenthused about the union, family and friends who
don't get the stress of repartnering with children,
and unsupportive exes in the wings. Putting the
marriage or partnership first gives the whole family
a chance at stability and happiness.
- Don't try to
"blend." Stepfamilies are assailed by
unrealistic expectations. The primary one is that
they are "supposed" to be just like a first family.
When we ask stepfamily members to "blend," we're
putting them in a jam with regards to the other
parent in the picture, as well as their separate
histories and family cultures. Stepfamilies can be
healthy settings for adults and kids, particularly
when we remove the pressure to "be" any particular
way.
- Bridge the gap. Young
adult stepchildren especially, come to a
developmental crossroads where they may be able to
see a previously demonized stepparent in a new way,
or understand their parent's divorce from another
point of view. Spouses can give their spouse who is
a stepparent the benefit of the doubt in the New
Year: "I married her, and I'm going to trust that
when she's upset, she's not making a big deal out of
nothing." It is amazing how finding this "middle
ground" can soothe and heal old hurts.
- Resolve to care
for yourself. As I interviewed women for my
book Stepmonster, I realized they all fit the
new research findings about stepmothers to a T: many
were trying so hard to buck the "wicked stepmother"
stereotype that they bent over backwards in the
wrong direction. Sure, it's nice to be kind. But
never expressing any displeasure with your stepkids,
and constantly putting your own needs and feelings
last, as stepmothers are usually expected to do, is
a recipe for resentment. Self-care is key for women
with stepkids. A regular "girls night out" or
occasional massage or even just finding time to read
a novel are key to preventing stepmaternal burn out.
- Resolve to lower
the bar. This one's easy! In general,
stepparents will do well to do less -- less
attempting to blend, less trying to win the kids
over, less acting as a family and marital counselor.
Stepmothers can take a lesson from stepfathers here:
stepfathers generally report lower levels of
involvement in the early years of stepfamily
formation -- and kids report higher levels of
satisfaction with stepfathers than with stepmothers.
There are lots of factors to consider, but a big one
is the ability to step back, and let the
relationship develop on its own terms, in its own
time.
- Learn to fight.
That's right. It's a skill. And couples with kids
from previous relationships are going to need it.
Find a "hot topic" communication formula that works
for you…and use it. This can include "I sentences"
versus accusations ("When you say that I feel . . .
" instead of "You always do X!"), as well as
communication formulas found in Stepmonster and
other books listed in "resources" below.
- Find the right
things to do together. Eye-to-eye activities,
like sitting down to talk, are always more stressful
for steps than are shoulder to shoulder ones. Try
doing a puzzle, playing a board game (Scrabble can
be a good one if the stepkids are older) or doing
arts and crafts together. And understand that unlike
first families, stepfamilies bond best one-on-one.
All-together activities tend to activate everyone's
fears of being an outsider.
- Get out of the
house, and invite family and friends in.
Stepparents in particular need to balance the sense
that they are something of an "outsider" in the
household with plenty of time with family and
friends who help them feel like an insider. Stepkids
of any age will feel less "on the spot" if there
isn't endless attention trained on their every move,
and they are part of a living, lively household that
gives them a sense of security and belonging.
- Resolve not to
treat the kids like royalty. Kids of any age who
turn up want to feel included and comfortable, and
that doesn't happen when parent and stepparent bend
over backwards to accommodate their every whim, or
design their days around a step/child's desires.
Making him or her part of what you do normally, plus
some alone time with mom or dad, will helps kids
feel like family rather than guests.
- Find a place.
Give a stepchild who doesn't live with you something
that is always the same -- if it can't be a whole
closet, then a spot in one, a regular place at the
dinner table, and so on. And stepparents, be sure to
find a place in the house that is just for you. When
stepfamily life gets momentarily tense -- which is
inevitably will -- you will have a place to escape
and recharge.
Resources/further reading:
Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers
Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday
Martin, Ph.D.
The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to
Renewing Your Relationship by Martin Babits, LCSW,
BCD
The Gottman Institute/ works by John Gottman
©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author
of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers
Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher
and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real
Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
(2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today
(www.psychologytoday.com)
and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web
site (www.wednesdaymartin.com).
She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the
BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a
regular contributor to the New York Post's
parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the
parenting category of this year's "Books for a Better
Life" award.
A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New
York City with her husband and two sons. Her
stepdaughters are young adults.
Become a fan of Wednesday Martin on Facebook:
www.facebook.com.
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