 |
A
Roadmap For Wedding Bliss:
Create Your Own
Marriage Manual
by Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway |
|
"Individuals
about to be wedded should consider how they can purify
and discipline themselves before and after marriage, and
(consider how they can deal with) their preferences and
traits that need understanding on the part of the other
partner. These topics should be condensed and put into a
notebook which will be reviewed each anniversary or
whenever an occasion warrants."
--From "The Symbolic Meaning of Marriage,"
By Rev. Flower Newhouse
The best wedding present any soulful couple can
receive is a roadmap to their future--a marriage manual
prepared especially for them. This would be a book that
tells them what marriage will be like, how they can
handle that first year, where they will be in five
years, or a decade, how they'll know when it's right to
have kids or whether they will, and what to do to keep
love alive in times when life challenges the vows you
make on your wedding day. It would be something that
paints a picture for the future they choose to share.
This is not a gift provided by your minister, priest,
rabbi or family. Although clergy and loved ones may help
you along, it is something that a couple must create for
themselves. Your personal marriage manual is based on
who you are as individuals and what you plan to create
together. It's something that would include and
acknowledge your vulnerable spots and provide a sense of
direction in times of challenge. Although life throws
it's curves, a loving marriage, with a solid commitment
as its foundation, can weather more than you'd imagine
when you start off with a game plan and map out your
intentions for the future. And it can be fun!
What you need: Buy a loose leaf note book, white
and colorful loose leaf paper, scissors, glue and some
pretty pens. Treat your manual like a very special
homework assignment. You can do some of your writing on
the computer, and later insert those pages in the
manual, or write directly in the book, depending on what’s
most comfortable for you both.
Step One: Create a Mission Statement For Your
Marriage
The first step of any new enterprise is to create a
mission statement. This applies to your marriage, as
well. Brainstorm, discuss, process and bat around ideas
until you come up with a Marriage Mission Statement.
This is your mutual intention for marriage; it is what
you want to be and build together. It can
have one sentence or reflect a number of ideas. For
example:
Our union gives us strength, power and fortitude to
deal with all of life’s ups and downs, and it empowers
us to contribute to others and the world. We are best
friends, confidantes and partners, and we have many
close relationships with people we consider
"spiritual family." We are a couple who
inspire others with our love and who model what it is to
be in a great relationship.
Step Two: Expand your Vows
The vows you speak at your wedding will tend to be
romantic, and on the short side. Give the wedding vows
you exchange a special page of honor in your manual and
expand them into a longer definition of your intentions
for marriage. You can add in all the things you thought
of afterwards, or the things that were too personal to
share in public. These are very personal statements the
two of you can come up with together.
- We treat our love as sacred and we are responsible
for managing our relationship.
- While we include others in our circle of love, we
never take our issues outside the relationship, or talk
negatively about each other to relatives because this
dissipates our sacred bond.
- We consult each other on all major life issues,
purchases and plans and yet give one another freedom and
space to be individual and do our own thing
Add in anything that you desire. Over time, add to
the vows as your learn more about what you both hold
dear in married life
Step Three: Make A Life Plan and Put It In Writing
Sound unromantic? You'll be glad to have something in
writing when you find yourself flailing about during
that first year, wondering "is this how married life is
supposed to be?" Make it fun to commit to your
lives together on paper. A couple can create a book of
wish lists and dreams as well as a timeline for their
future: In a year we'll have a house; in five years a
child. But is can also contain the more emotional
and spiritual aspects of life together: we'll go to
church or synagogue together; we'll spend 10 minutes every day just gazing into one another's eyes,
etc... In the process of planning together, you will
get to know more about each other, and get a sense of
those areas where you are likely to disagree or need
personal space. Freedom for each partner to pursue their
own dreams must also be part of your plan, so that you
each have the flexibility to pursue personal career
goals and interests. Include three timelines and make
them flexible – make them "within" a certain
time line, instead of "in" a certain
amount of time. The headings can be: Within One Year,
Within Five Years and Within Ten Years. Be
realistic but dare to dream. For example, if you know
you want a house but do not have the funding, don’t
pressure yourselves or be unrealistic by placing it in
the "within one year" timeline. Give
yourselves five years. That way, you can still focus on
it, and maybe even attain it in a year … but without
undue pressure.
Step Four: Picture Your Future
Visual language is powerful. Cut photos from
magazines that illustrate the essence of your ideal life
together and paste them in your personal marriage
manual. Superimposed photos of yourself in a picture of
that fabulous vacation spot, or cut out a happy family
picture that represents how you'd like it to be, with
the number of kids you’d like to have. Visual cues
give strong messages to the subconscious. Working
together to find the images, and place them in the book,
will begin to expand your picture of life together.
These images are as powerful as prayers. In fact, they
are visual prayers.
Step Five: Document the Good Times to Create More
Establish rituals that make you both feel loved and
happily married. In his book, Soul Mates, Thomas
Moore talks of those little life rituals that make the
soul feel content. These are usually mundane yet sacred
elements of living that keep the two of you connected,
keep your dreams alive and accentuate your togetherness.
It's these things – a call from the office every day, a
romantic dinner at home on Fridays, going to your
favorite restaurant or Inn once a year – that keep you
both aligned with the goals you set forth. List these in
your manual as things that you do with, and for, each
other. And document them with memory pages – ticket
stubs, a post card of a special locale, a menu from a
restaurant where you had a romantic dinner. When you
establish loving rituals to look forward to, they will
never become boring. They become a part of who you are,
together.
Step Six: Include Plans For Dealing With The
Challenges
As Ann Morrow Lindbergh put it, "When you love
someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly
the same way, from moment to moment... and yet this is
exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith
in the ebb and flow of the tide of life, of love, of
relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and
resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never
return." To help deal with the terror that we all
feel when it seems a mate is slipping away emotionally,
come up with a "slip-proof" plan for marital
ebbs: We will communicate to one another in a common
love language; we'll each have a chance to air our
feelings uninterrupted; we'll reach out for help from a
special support person or an impartial party if the
relationship is in trouble. While you do not want to
focus all your energy on "what can go wrong,"
it is a good idea to acknowledge upfront that not every
day will reflect the joy and union of your wedding day.
What will you do on those days when you cannot see the
divine light in one another? How will you find your way
back home? No one knows your relationship, and your way
of processing and healing relationship issues, like the
two you. So set forth some guidelines or ground rules
for healing your marital differences – before then
happen – to the best of your ability. You will
undoubtedly learn new things and improved ways to heal
as your marriage goes on; add them in over time.
Step Seven: Regularly Recommit To Your Marriage
Include some wonderful ways to celebrate and recommit
to love in your personal Marriage Manual. Collect romantic readings and poetry
that reflect your feelings for one another. Recommitment
ceremonies, or renewal of vows ceremonies, are a great
way to re-stimulate and re-live your original wedding
vows – long after you've taken that walk down the aisle.
If you ever doubt your marriage but still have faith in
your love, you can "awaken" your marriage by
renewing your original vows and/or creating or adding
new ones. As life changes, so will your intentions for
marriage. You can celebrate and regenerate your love at
every phase.
You can have a catered affair, just invite a few
friends over to celebrate, or simply hold a private
ceremony between the two of you. You don’t have to
throw a party and hold a new ceremony in order to
recommit your love. You can renew your commitment in a
very simple and loving way. It can be as simple as
reading a poem to each other before bed one night and
declaring your love. One couple reads and re-reads their
wedding vows every night before bed. Then they re-seal
them with a kiss! This excerpt from Song of Solomon,
in the Old Testament, is a beautiful example of
selecting words that are simple, yet powerfully honor
and express your love. You can just look each other in
the eyes, hold hands and say: "I am my beloved's and
my beloved is mine." And so it is.
Every time you experience a ritual that declares your
love, it’s like giving your love, your life, and your
marriage a new infusion of energy or, even, a fresh
start.
© Copyright
2002 Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway All Rights Reserved.
 |
Explore
Your Marriage in Counseling …
Before You Get There
By Rev. Vic Fuhrman |
Most people, unfortunately, often wait until they've
reached the breaking point in a marriage to seek
counseling; at that point it is hard to recommit because
of the deep-seated pain and anger. Consider exploring
your marriage--before the fact--and using
counseling as a way to enhance marriage before it
begins.
Pre-marital counseling offers a balance of spiritual
and practical support and facilitates a way for couples
to learn more about one another's likes and dislikes,
patterns and points of view. It helps you mark the
problem spots, and find creative solutions for dealing
with conflicts. It is a tool by which couples may
address the issues they will be facing together. Rather
than a means of repairing a "troubled"
relationship, it is a way for couples to enrich their
bond and deepen channels of communication. Not every
couple will require this but you should be prepared to
consider it if you need any support whatsoever in
exploring issues related to marriage or communicating
openly with one another in a safe space, with a skilled
practitioner to support you through.
Certain churches, denominations or religious
organizations may require traditional pre-marital
counseling. It is often a pre-requisite to being married
within the church, synagogue, mosque or temple. These
sessions may last a few days or go on for months.
Additionally, there are organizations that offer
"Couples Seminars" where groups of couples
attend a retreat to explore the issues they are facing
in a "group therapy" environment.
Traditional religious organizations offer counseling
and courses to prepare couples for the challenges of
family life through the tenants of their faith. For
non-religious and interfaith couples there are
relationship therapists--especially for exploring fears,
resistance and roadblocks to planning the future--and
interfaith ministers or spiritual counselors. Spiritual
counseling of that nature is very useful for couples
combining faiths and seeking guidance in everything from
the wedding ceremony to child rearing. It’s also a
wonderful way to come to understand that marriage is a
spiritual union that you can create together.
A company named Intercommunications Publishing, Inc.
of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, publishes a counseling
and evaluation tool used by many pastoral counselors
known as the Pre-Marital Inventory. This system
consists of 150 questions that measure compatibility in
the following categories:
• Children
• Sexuality
• Religion and Spirit
• Finances
• Interests and Hobbies
• Marriage Expectations
• Family Issues
• Personal Adjustment
• Communication Skills
• Expectations
The counselor or therapist compares the couple’s
answers to these questions and brings into discussion
those areas in which disparity exists. This is usually
done over a number of sessions and helps build the
couple’s open communication skills as well as
addressing these issues.
It can never hurt to look a little deeper into one
another’s psyche and hearts through marital
counseling. Find the right environment and the right
counselor and utilize the experience to help you build
your marriage--and marriage manual--together.
About Rev. Vic Fuhrman
Rev. Vic Fuhrman, MSC, RM is a healer,
interfaith minister and spiritual counselor. He’s
creator of EnerVisionä, a
curriculum designed to teach psychic self-empowerment
and healing and is a gifted Reiki practitioner and
teacher. He is regularly called upon to perform
marriages, blessings, and memorials. He also offers his
healing hands to those suffering from serious illness,
as well as supervising an internet-based network of
healers around the world. He is a graduate and former
faculty member of the New Seminary, one of the world’s
premier institutions for the training and ordination of
ministers versed in service to people of all faiths and
backgrounds. He is founder of World Light Fellowship—United
Nations Chapter with his partner, Rev. Laurie Sue
Brockway, with whom he co-authored The Interfaith and
Non-denominational Minister’s Wedding Manual.
© Copyright
2002 Reverend Vic Fuhrman. All Rights Reserved. |
Reverend Laurie Sue
Brockway is an author, teacher and contemporary clergy
person who specializes in matters of the heart and soul. As an ordained
interfaith minister and non-denominational wedding officiant, it is her honor
to regularly marry couples in love.
Prior to becoming a minister she enjoyed a successful and colorful 20 years
in media as a widely published journalist, editor and author of several books
on relationships and romance, as well as being a noted spokesperson on those
topics. She was editor-in-chief of two national magazines and several
regional publications, and her articles have been published around the world
and in many newspapers and national magazines, such as the NY Daily News, The
Washington Post, Women's News, New Woman, Ladies' Home Journal and Child.
She evolved years of specialized reporting in the field of male-female
relationship dynamics into a more spiritual pursuit that led her to train to
be an interfaith minister, and then establish her wedding ministry along with
a number of popular relationship enhancement programs. Her wedding ministry
is based in New York.
She is also dedicated to bringing about a deeper awareness and understanding
of the Divine Feminine. As a graduate of The New Seminary in NYC, the world's
premier seminary for interfaith ministers, she was educated and trained in
the tenants, spiritual practice and worship of many faiths. She became a
specialist in the feminine aspects of God in all the world's religions.
Today, she is widely recognized as a minister, teacher and scribe
specializing in women's spirituality and The Divine Feminine from an
interfaith and all-inclusive perspective. She is on the board of directors of
World Light Fellowship, heading up their Feminine Faces of God programs, and
is Founder of Our Mother's House, a cyber ministry at www.OurMothersHouse.org.
Long devoted to helping women access the "Goddess Within," she is currently
working on two books that bring the wisdom of ancient archetypes to modern
women. Her newest book, A Goddess Is a Girl's Best
Friend, is due out from Perigee Books in December 2002.
To be placed on a mailing list for information about
A Goddess Is A Girl's Best Friend: OurMothersHouse@aol.com
BACK
TO "FEATURES" PAGE
|
