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Be
Loved for Who You Really Are.
by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & James Sniechowski, Ph.D. |
Being unique. Standing out from the crowd. Taking a
position that's
different from everyone else's. Imagine that. How do you
feel when you do?
How do you imagine other people feel toward you?
Most people acknowledge that being different can be very
uncomfortable, even
frightening. They hide who they really are, going along
with the crowd just
to fit in. Yet, each one of us has been created to be a
one-of-a-kind
miracle.
Think about it. Never before in the history of the
universe has there ever
been another you and there never will be again. You
truly are unique,
without compare, and that is not a mere poetic
sentiment. It's a fact. You
are a miraculous manifestation of the unlimited and
loving powers of the
Creator. And, as that is true for you, it is also true
for everyone else.
Given that, how do you respond to the differences
between you and those you
love, especially that person you love most--be that a
lover, spouse or
friend? Seeing that person as a one-of-a-kind miracle,
do the toast crumbs
he left in the mayonnaise jar or the dripping hosiery
she hung over the
shower rod take on a different meaning?
We are not suggesting that you have to like everything
the other person says
or does. We are saying that if you want to be loved for
who you really are,
you have to give that same love in return.
But when it comes to romantic relationships, so many
people, men and women
alike, imagine that the other person is supposed to be a
perfect match for
what they want. That perfect person will just fit into
their pre-ordained
picture and not change it in any way. And when mister or
miss perfect turns
out to be different, which is inevitable, the make-over
project begins.
Why is that?
Well, when you were growing up what were you taught,
either directly or
indirectly, by your family, neighbors, teachers, church
members, to think
about and how were you told to treat people who were
different from your family--from your group?
Most, if not all of us learned that those who are
different from us should
be kept at an arms-length. We were taught to think in
terms of right or
wrong-we are right and they are. . . wrong. Consequently
we feel some
measure of distrust of them and discomfort around them
and have developed subtle and not-so-subtle ways to keep
our emotional if not physical distance
from those "others."
On an even more personal note, when you were growing up,
how were you
treated by your immediate family for the ways you were
different from them?
Did your parents and siblings rejoice in your
uniqueness? Or were you
brought into line, expected to be just like everyone
else--or else!?
Most of the men and women we've surveyed at our national
and international
workshops and trainings have told us that they learned
to hide their
individuality and/or feel ashamed or embarrassed by who
they are. They've
never been sure whether they are truly lovable for who
they know themselves
to be. It's no surprise that pain, heartache,
loneliness, and depression
follow form their self-doubt.
That's why it is important to understand how you were
raised so that you can
identify unconscious beliefs and feelings you have
toward yourself and
anyone whose differentness is undeniable.
And when it comes to love and intimacy, here's the
problem. You've also been
raised with the belief that someday you would find
someone, fall in love,
and live happily ever after. That seems innocent enough,
right? But look
again.
Unconsciously you are carrying around a time bomb. And
what is that? The
belief that to be different is in some way bad, even
dangerous. And then you
meet someone. Your call that person your soul-mate. But,
because that person
is one-of-a-kind, he or she naturally and necessarily
must be different from
you in many ways, as you will be different from your
heartthrob. Then what?
At first, not much. All goes well. Thrilling. Blissful.
It's heaven until
the differences start to show up. Now the little voices
start, warning you
without ever being explicit. It's just a feeling.
Something's wrong and
needs to be fixed. You try to fix yourself. Or you try
to make over your
lover. But you know yourself that you don't want to be
changed to fit into
someone else's dream world. And you soon discover that
neither does that
person who, just a short time ago, was your ideal
sweetheart.
Here you thought your soul-mate was perfect, absolutely
perfect. But now you
are in conflict. Rather than an eternal walk down
lover's lane you find
yourself on the dark aisle toward divorce court. There
goes
happily-ever-after!
So, what can you do to prevent this?
For the spiritual joy of lifelong love and romance based
on trust, respect,
and mutual dedication to the well-being of your
relationship, you cannot
hide who you are. . . who you really are. And neither
can your partner. You
have to show up, make yourself known. By doing so you
make yourself
available to what love has in store for you, because
love has larger designs
on you than you can imagine at the outset of your
relationship. Then, and
only then, will you be open to the adventure of true,
romantic intimacy.
To help you do this, our work is focused on providing a
spiritually inspired
road-map for relationship success. Our simple and
redeeming message is: you
are to love one another for the one-of-a-kind miracles
that you are.
After all, what do each of us want more than anything?
To be known for who
we really are, through and through, to be respected,
valued, and loved. We
yearn to be certain that we are loved whether we're on
top of the world or
freaking out, whether we're being creative and charming
or in the throws of
depression.
To achieve that you must first understand that all
committed relationships
go through a developmental process consisting of
four-passages. When you
accept this for the fact that it is, you will never have
to feel lost along
the way. Never.
The four passages of love, what we call the arc of love,
comprise the
necessary and predictable progression that love requires
of any successful
couple.
In the first passage, what we call "A Glimpse of
What is Possible," you not
only fall in love, but you are also given a chance to
see the very real
perfection in your partner and in yourself. You see the
wondrous
possibilities available between you if you will
surrender to where love
wants to take you. The question is--will you follow
love's lessons to develop
your capacity to live that perfection in your everyday
lives.
In the second passage, what we call "The Clash of
Differences," each of you
as distinctly unique people will reveal more of your
complexity, your
limitations, quirks, excellence, and your troublesome
self-centeredness.
Love is no longer just ecstatic. Now it demands that you
appreciate and
respect your partner as different and be willing to
resolve your conflicts
so that both of you are satisfied.
The third passage is called "The Magic of
Differences," because you both, as
a couple, cement your trust of one another by growing
through and beyond
your conflicts. You realize that there is a very real
wisdom in your choice
of one another. You see that your differences, many of
which you previously thought were only annoying, are now
the basis for your ongoing personal
growth, learning, and spiritual expansion--individually
and together.
The fourth passage, "The Grace of Deep
Intimacy," brings you into a full and
total trust of your love, a love so rich that it infuses
all your activities
and is obvious to all those with whom you are involved.
Now the bliss that
was free in the very beginning has become a permanent
and well-earned resident in each of your hearts and in the heart of your
relationship.
And finally, if you are to be loved and love one another
for the
one-of-a-kind miracles that you are, you must understand
that the natural
and inevitable challenges, conflicts, and changes you
will encounter in your
long-term relationship are designed to help you do just
that.
But, because so few of us receive any meaningful
training to help us create
and maintain love and romance, you may feel like giving
up because you think
these conflicts shouldn't be happening. You may be
tempted to conclude that
your clashes are signs of failure. Unless you are
suffering under emotional
and/or physical abuse (which definitely has nothing to
do with love), your
conflicts are in fact signals that both of you are
showing up in your
distinctiveness and that's an essential requirement if
your love is to ever
be the kind that is filled with everyday romance--one
that lasts a lifetime.
So, during each passage, learn to use those predictable
encounters with the
ways each of you is different to continually reinforce
that your love is
real and trustworthy. Because when the goal is to feel
free to be who you
are, and be loved for who you are, then every moment
together offers the
opportunity to show up openly and honestly and insist on
being met with
respect, or at least curiosity when the two of you
disagree or clash. You
see, real love requires you to move out beyond
self-centeredness, beyond
your own private fantasies about how it's supposed to be
in order to take in
and learn about one another and the specific and unique
shape your
relationship will take.
Real love insists that you practice the lesson you
should have learned in
kindergarten. You have to share! In other words, the
only way to share love,
for both of you to be loved for who you really are, is
for you to consider
and value each other for the amazing magic of your
differences. That's a key
aspect of personal spiritual expansion and the bedrock
of a spiritually
blessed relationship.
When you respect and value one another's uniqueness, not
only do you open
yourselves to experience a deep and abiding love, but
you transform your
relationship into a daily prayer of practical
spirituality, a real-life
expression of respect and value for the Creator's
wondrous handiwork. You discover the magic waiting in
the differences between you and the
opportunity to be loved for who you really are.
©
Copyright 2002 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. & James
Sniechowski, Ph.D. All
Rights Reserved.
Drs. Judith Sherven & Jim Sniechowski, husband-and-wife psychology
team are the
bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are
(Renaissance Books, 2001). Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com.
Receive their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com.
Judith & Jim are also creators
of Bridging Heart & Marketing and the Soft Sell
Marketing Community. If you are starting a website
business, you may enjoy their
Bridging Heart and Marketing internet conference.
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