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I’ve
watched hundreds of
brilliant women and men not do what they are
meant to do in this world — not share their
voices, not ask for what they deserve, not take
the risks involved in creating their
knock-the-ball-out-of-the-park life —
because of fear.
We all need fear-slayers, tools that help us
quiet and overcome our fears. Here are five of
my favorites:
1. Create a character. Create a
character that symbolizes the voice of fear
within you. Maybe she’s a frail recluse or an
eight-year-old bully or a fire-breathing dragon.
Maybe it’s the lion from “The Wizard of Oz” or
the Wicked Witch or the Wizard himself. Pick a
character that illustrates how the voice of fear
feels in you, and name your character. When you
hear the voice of fear, greet it: “Oh, Cruella,
I see you’ve come to visit. Hello.”
Why does this work? Creating a character helps
you separate the real you from the part of you
that’s afraid. Your fears come from that
instinctual part of the brain that seeks to
avoid risk at any cost–not from your core self,
your inner wisdom, or your dreams. Naming the
voice of fear, visualizing it as a character and
observing it helps you get back in charge.
2. Follow the fear through to the end
game. Fear holds us hostage, making
threats that if you do X, a disastrous outcome
will occur. The remedy is to imagine how you’d
handle that outcome, and evaluate just how bad
it would really be.
This involves asking “so what?” again and again.
If, for example, you’re afraid that your request
for a raise will be turned down, ask yourself,
“So if I was turned down, so what? Then what?”
You’ll probably hear yourself thinking something
like, “Well, I’d be disappointed, and I’d think
about whether that means I need to change jobs.
I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
You’ve just taken a great deal of power away
from your fear.
Or, you might find this outcome still feels
super scary, and your answer to the question is
“I’d feel horribly embarrassed around my boss
every time I saw her!” Then ask the question
again: “So I’d feel embarrassed and awkward,
then what?” Keep following the fear through to
the endgame. You’ll find your resiliency and
sense of perspective as you keep asking, “So
what?”
3. Ask, “Is it true?” Whatever
the little voice of fear is saying, it’s
probably not true. The fearful part of us is
irrational and overprotective. It might be
saying you are likely to fall flat on your face
if you take a risk, or that no one will like
your ideas. It might be saying that moving to a
new city could ruin your children, or choosing
the wrong job could wreck havoc on your life.
When you hear fear-based thoughts, ask yourself,
“Is what this voice is saying true?” or, in
Byron Katie’s approach, “Can I be absolutely
sure that this thought is true?” The answer to
these questions — especially the latter one — is
most often “no.”
4. Connect to love. Here’s the
very cool thing about our human consciousness.
We can’t be in a state of fear and one of love
at the same time. They can’t coexist. Each one
blots out the other. When we are really
connected to that
mysterious energy that is love, we connect
to a softness, a safety, a comfort, a healing.
Fear vanishes.
So when you are stuck in fear, reconnect to
love. Listening to a favorite song, doing
something you love, focusing on a picture of a
loved one, or connecting with nature are all
good ways to do this. Many people find that a
short meditation on their own breathing or
reaching out to a higher power in prayer
reconnects them to love. Giving — time, money, a
gift or a heartfelt compliment — to another
person also connects us to love.
Use whatever process works for you. You’ll know
you’ve reconnected to love when you feel that
sense of harmony and comfort and softness
returning.
If you aren’t sure what helps you easily and
swiftly reconnect to love, start experimenting.
All of us need a set of strategies for
connecting to love when we get fearful, anxious,
resentful or off balance.
5. Let fear be your traveling companion.
Much of the time we can soften or even entirely
lift our fears using the tools above, but
sometimes, fear persists. Then it’s time for
this tool: let fear be your traveling companion.
Let it be there, but not in control. Let it be
there, but don’t take direction from it or stop
moving forward because of it.
This is a skill. It’s a skill to learn to act in
the face of fear, to allow it to be present but
not to interfere.
You know when you are driving on the highway,
and right next to you, one lane over, there’s
some guy hanging out the window, keeping pace
along side of you? He’s not in your way but he’s
in your field of vision?
Think of fear that way: as the guy in the lane
next to you. You are in the driver’s seat, in
your own lane, moving forward. He’s next to you,
not blocking you but just there, somewhat
irritating, palpably present. The ride would
feel more enjoyable and free if he wasn’t there,
but you are getting to your destination just
fine anyway.
Learn to walk with fear this way — as if it’s
your uninvited traveling companion — intrusive,
but not in the way.
© Copyright 2010
Tara Sophia Mohr. All rights
reserved. |
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