by Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway
Every month, the "Romance
Reverend" shares her sage insights on relationships
and getting ready for soulful love! Send your
questions to RomanceRev@SoulfulLiving.com.
Nourish Yourself on a Date For
I feel so needy when I am out with someone. I can’t
seem to relax and just enjoy the person; I am always
worried about whether this guy is "the one."
Can you suggest a way to lighten up and enjoy meeting
new people? Samantha, Queens, New York
Make sure to nourish and nurture yourself. This will
help diffuse the pressure you feel about dating. When
you feel nourished, you have fewer expectations of
others meeting your needs and fewer incidences of
disappointment and worry if a particular person does not
give you what you are searching for. On the road to
romance we have to feed our own souls along the way and
become our own best partners. Take time to give yourself
whatever it is you hope to receive from another.
In the eighties, I covered a weekend workshop called Basic
Sensuality (taught by MORE University) and the
Saturday night assignment was a date with ourselves. We
were told to treat ourselves as "visiting
diplomats," and give to ourselves whatever we would
offer to another on a Saturday night date—champagne,
flowers, dancing. It was a very interesting experiment.
People reported the next day how difficult it was
to get started—no one was used to giving so much love
and attention to themselves—and yet how much fun
it became once they got the hang of it.
A date with ones self is a powerful metaphor for
self-nourishment. We give so much to others, why be
stingy with ourselves? I encourage you to incorporate an
aspect of this idea into your life. Pick something that
you are hoping and praying you will experience with your
beloved when you finally meet, and agree to give it to
yourself. When you are generous with yourself, you will
have fewer needs for others to fill.
For example, perhaps you dream of a mate who will
treat you like Cleopatra and lovingly bathe you and
nurture you like a Queen. Be a Queen for a day—or for
several hours a week—and pamper yourself. It doesn’t
matter that Marc Anthony has not yet arrived… buy
beautiful candles, scented oils, flowers. Draw a bath.
Play relaxing and sensual music. Slip into the warm
water, daydream and allow yourself to bask in the energy
of love. I cannot tell you how much a simple act of
self-love will bring you closer to receiving such
pampering from another. Subconsciously, it gives the
mind an impression that you are someone who deserves
royal treatment and who is willing to be nurtured like a
Queen; and energetically it creates a
"signature" in your auric field that this is
what a loving relationship will include for you. And at
the most basic level—a nice warm bath with candles is
very relaxing and it gives you a chance to meditate…
and get a new perspective on life.
A bath is just one way to take a sacred moment to
honor yourself. You can also light a candle and some
incense and take 15 minutes to relax in a favorite
chair. You can take yourself to a movie, out to dinner,
or to a museum exhibit you’ve been meaning to see. The
best way to keep your soul nourished is to create an
ongoing environment for this nourishment. Many of us
take time out for ourselves just once in awhile
and we neglect to create the foundation for ongoing
revitalization. To create this sacred container for
self-love and care, carve out time and put things in
order so that you can access these experiences
regularly. This may mean keeping your favorite bath oil
and candles on hand at all times… or ensuring that you
have several hours a week alone, to yourself. Think of
it this way… if you were dating, wouldn’t you go out
of your way to make dates and focus attention on the
relationship? Do it for yourself, first… this sets the
groundwork for a beloved to then come in and love you
well—as well as you are loving yourself.
She’s Off the Radar
I met a woman a few months ago while on a business
trip and we really hit it off. She was in another state,
and so we kept in touch by e-mail. Our communication got
less frequent and one day she said she just didn’t
want to be in touch anymore, no explanation. She
disappeared off the radar and won’t return my e-mails.
It was no great love affair, but I am so bummed. And I
am going nuts, not knowing what I did. Am I supposed to
just let it go? –Paul, from Jersey City,
Although she didn’t give a reason, and although she
didn’t bring your cyber friendship to a close in a
kind way, sounds like she was clear about not wanting to
be in touch.
There could be many reasons why a person would decide
to sever communications, and it could be none of them
have to do with you. I wouldn’t take it personally.
When all is said and done, without further communication
from her, it’s hard to know what motivated her
decision or what is up in her world. I tend to see life’s
little relationship mysteries as clues from the
universe: its time to move on… this is not
meant to be. It’s important to acknowledge how
bummed out, and even hurt, you may feel; and you are
within your rights to be angry. But higher wisdom tells
me that the reason for this will reveal itself at some
point, later. Who knows, maybe she was not a cool person
to continue communicating with… maybe an old boyfriend
showed up… maybe she was occupying a space in your
life that is now meant to open to that great love
This is a good time to trust. Consider that if she
and you are meant to be in touch again, something will
reconnect you. There is a spiritual principle that seems
very helpful here: Everyone who comes into your life
is there for a reason. There is an ancient Hebrew
expression that also seems helpful: Ha Col Beseder…
it means all is in divine order. It may look like
you have been ditched, but it could also be that you
have been given an opportunity. Perhaps there is some
divine plan to your short-lived relationship, but you
may also discover some practical and spiritual insight
about it all.
It is always challenging to find closure in a case
where the other person bolts, with no communication, but
I think it’s important to try. I wouldn’t contact
her to hash it out—not at this juncture anyway. Ask
yourself: Who was she to me? What have I learned?
What gifts has she given? Take a moment to thank
her, wherever she is, for all she has brought you.
Whether it is two minutes or two years, we all bestow
special gifts on one another and in our interactions. It
will be up to you to figure out what those gifts are.
I believe that every step on our path lead us to the
next. Perhaps she was someone who helped you reach a
certain point and who now will step out of the picture
because her role in your life has come to conclusion.
She may resurface with an explanation in weeks to come,
probably at a point when you are feeling less attached
to the whole experience.
Soulful Spring Cleaning Tips from the
For all you soulful singles who
are standing by for love, and even those of your who are
in relationships, I want to suggest that you utilize
this stir of springtime to clean house in your life, on
all levels, and get yourself even more tuned-up for
love! I’m not the first to say it: a good, soulful
spring-cleaning will bring you a fresh start for the
season of love.
In order to truly be ready to engage in a
relationship you have to be committed to bringing order
into your life on ALL LEVELS—physical, psychic,
emotional, financial, and spiritual. It is often a
process of gently releasing, letting go, identifying and
giving up that which stands in the way of letting soul
love in. This includes unsuitable relationships and
unsuitable ties to old flames (you know the ones!). Let
yourself mourn what you must leave behind—an important
process, even if you are leaving a very alive lover!—and
then you can move on.
There is a very specific spiritual law that states
that "nature abhors a vacuum." Get rid of
something, and something new can come in. All of the
worlds religions have specific ways to release the old—from
body, mind and spirit—and there is a reason for this:
If your life is too cluttered or filled up with
"stuff," if your house is messy or your mind
is disorganized, if you are not honoring your body or
your spirit, it very hard to feel connected to your own
divine nature and therefore it is difficult to create a
life of your choosing.
This is the time to at least start to rethink your
romantic game plan and slowly work your way toward
transforming—or releasing—the relationships that are
not your soul mates.
The best bet for a fresh start is to make symbolic
gestures in the physical realm. Clearing the decks of dreck
and disarray will help you create a healthy foundation
for your life. And then, a healthy foundation in your
life will help you create the space for your soulful
love to come in. These things take time. Be gentle with
yourself but start somewhere!
Try some of these "Life Cleaning" tips:
Start with one drawer. Then a closet. Next a
whole room. Rampage through your physical space, one
step at a time, as a symbolic gesture of cleaning up
your life and making room for love. Take a big black
garbage bag—or 10!—and dump things. Give anything
you don’t need any more to the Garbage Goddess or to
Let go of memorabilia from past or failed
relationships. This includes anything that ties you
inappropriately to the past, or to a love affair that is
long over. Naturally you want to save anything that is
valuable or sacred, but pack it up and place it in
storage—at least for now. You should not be looking at
pictures of your old loves on the mantle, or stuff that
reminds you of them, while trying to get ready for the
new. Keeping a photo of your ex on display energetically
keeps him or her around your house!
Make cleaning up your life a fun and rejuvenating
ritual. Play music, such as "I’m Gonna Wash
That Man Right Outta Hair," and dance around as
your ditch the old and make room for the new.
Write an elimination list—thoughts, items,
relationships, "things" you know are in the
way of your soul mate success. Things you choose to
release or transform for the highest good. If you are
ready to let things go, burn, flush or bury the list.
Are You Ready to Let Go of This Spring?
© Copyright 2001
Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway All Rights Reserved.
Reverend Laurie Sue's Current Column
Reverend Laurie Sue's Past Columns:
2001 - "Get Ready for Soulful Love"
Reverend Laurie Sue
Brockway is an author, teacher and contemporary clergy
person who specializes in matters of the heart and soul.
As an ordained interfaith minister and
non-denominational wedding officiant, it is her honor to
regularly marry couples in love. Prior to becoming a
minister she enjoyed a successful and colorful 20 years
in media as a widely published journalist, editor and
author of eight books on relationships and
romance—as well as being a noted spokesperson
on those topics. She was editor-in-chief of two national
magazines and several regional publications, and her
articles have been published around
the world and in many newspapers and national magazines,
such as the NY Daily News, The Washington Post,
Women’s News, New Woman, Ladies’
Home Journal and Child. She evolved years of
specialized reporting in the field of male-female
relationship dynamics into a more spiritual pursuit that
led her to train to be an interfaith minister, and then
establish her wedding ministry along with her popular
relationship enhancement programs.
She continues to write on weddings, soul mates and enhancing relationships,
as well as teach on those topics. She's on the faculty of The Seminar Center
and MyPotential.com. and trains other ministers through World Light
Fellowship. She is a graduate of the New Seminary and a member of The
Association of Interfaith Ministers. Her wedding ministry is based in New