Adrienne's work and teachings have been a great
inspiration to me! In August of 1998, about four months after my
father passed away, I read about one of Carol's
workshops in a Learning Annex catalog and
synchronistically found her book on a bookshelf at the
bookstore. The themes of her teachings were
familiar and comforting, as they confirmed the thoughts
and ideas my father had shared with me shortly before
his passing. Her books and workshops ignited my
spiritual curiosity, setting me on my soulful life path,
which led to the very creation of
SoulfulLiving.com! Carol's participation has been
an integral part of SoulfulLiving.com, at its soul
level! Thank you, Carol, with all my heart!
~Valerie, Founder and Soul, SoulfulLiving.com
Knowing When Itís Right
An Intuitive Approach to Improving
Iíve been eagerly awaiting my friend Nancy Rosanoffís
book, Knowing When Itís Right, An Intuitive Approach to
Improving Relationships, and itís now available in
bookstores. This wonderful book gives very clear steps on
every aspect of relationship no matter whether you are trying
to find a new romantic partner, get married, end a marriage,
improve your relationship with your children, or let go of
someone you love. The intuitive approach reveals how you
really feel despite social programming, fears, and anxieties.
For those of you who responded to my questionnaire (which is
now closed, by the way) about finding a "good" man,
Iíd highly recommend reading this book to find some of the
answers you may be seeking about this whole question. The book
clears up a lot of misconceptions about what intuition is, or
why it seems hard to distinguish true intuition from the fears
and demands of our ego. Nancyís four main principles are:
- Be Direct: Begin by trusting what you know and take
the next simple step. We often donít trust our gut feelings or put them aside,
and then wonder why we end up so confused and uncertain about
what we "should" be doing.
- Follow Positive Flow: Move toward what has joy and
vitality. The ego sees everything as a problem to solve,
and thrives on both thinking up endless options and
staying stuck, rather than moving in the direction of what
- Use Your Power: Continually open up the way you
think about what is possible. Too often we think up worst-case scenarios that keep us
feeling helpless. We stop ourselves from taking exploratory
steps that will provide useful information.
- Trust the Connection: Act with the confidence that
you are part of something much larger that will support and
guide you. Fear comes from feeling that we have to do
everything by ourselves, and when we canít even see what
to do, we feel helpless and small.
You May Not Know What You Want
In Chapter Two, Find Your Flow: Attract and Meet Others
Intuitively, Nancy says, "The intuitive side of
attracting a relationship begins with knowing that you do not
know completely whom you want to attract. All you know is what
you feel right now, which is that you feel ready to share your
life with another person. Attracting a relationshipÖcan be
deliberate or spontaneous. Both are appropriate and both use
In an interview, Nancy, emphasized that "Relationships
do not happen the way our idealizing mind would like them to.
We tend to strategize and think that we have to do more,
or gain more control, rather than open up to the present
moment. Relationships need to be navigated, not strategized.
To navigate, ask yourself: what is happening in my life right
now? How do I feel about that? What action is needed now? In
contrast, the strategizing mind focuses on the future and
asks: how can I get what I want? How can I fix this
relationship to be what I want? What will be the outcome of
Nancy suggests the following ways to intuitively encourage
the natural flow:
- Know the difference between control and resonance
- Navigate, donít strategize
- Trust what you want
- Make room for what is coming
Feel Good About Who You Are
I asked Nancy what she meant by knowing the difference
between control and resonance. "Control is
wanting to pick the right person," she said. "I
always hear people say, ĎI must have faulty intuition
because I always pick the wrong person.í Thatís
controllingówanting to find some ideal person, rather than
being open to who shows up and how they make you feel.
Whenever we feel we have to be a certain way in order to be
comfortable with another person or for things to Ďwork out,í
then we are trying to control things.
"Resonance is moving with what feels good, with people
who make you feel like yourself when you are with them."
Send a Clear Signal
What does she suggest for people who would like to attract
their next partner? "Two things. If youíve been
searching too hard, or you feel as if you always end up with
people who donít work out, you are not resonating a clear
signal. One thing I suggest in the book is to make a list of
all the things youíd never do to meet new people.
Look at this list and imagine someone who would have
the personality to do these things. One of my students said,
ĎI would never walk down the street with a sign on my chest
saying, Iím looking for a date.í When she imagined
someone who would be comfortable doing this, this imaginary
person told her, ĎIf you donít tell people what you want,
you wonít get it.í My student realized that she hadnít
even told her friends that she was interested in finding
someone. She started talking to friends about her desire to
meet someone, and all of a sudden people started giving her
names. She started dating right away, and just generally had
more fun in life. I think weíre embarrassed to say what we
want, or else we expect everyone to read our minds.
Enjoy Your Own Company
"The other thing I suggest if youíre looking for a
partner," Nancy said, "is to spend more time with
yourself. This may sound counter-intuitive, but Iíve met a
lot of people who told me they met an incredible person just
after they went through a period of feeling particularly
peaceful and comfortable being with themselves. Someone comes
along with whom they really resonate."
Why do you think that is? I asked her. "Well, I think
you really have to recognize that each of us is an energetic
and vibratory state of physical and spiritual matter. We know
pretty quickly when we meet someone how we resonate together.
We can sense an inner confidence in them, a sense of humor, or
whether they are somewhat depressed or just quiet.
"If we understand that our energy flows out and
attracts to us events and people of similar vibration, then we
have to ask ourselves, ĎHow can I attractóor resonate
with-- someone whoís right for me if my predominant
vibration is one of searching?í Searching is not a
clear signal of who you are. The signal is ĎIím not
comfortable the way I am. Iím looking for someone or
something to fulfill me.í Itís irritating.
"When you are comfortable with yourself, your
vibration becomes so clear that someone who resonates with
your vibration will be drawn to you. When the signal is not
defined, the energy message is ĎIím not complete.í Youíll
attract others who are searching, but who are not comfortable
with their life, either, and you wonít be attracted to them
because you sense their insecurity."
Go With the Flow, and Hold Your Vision
In workshops one of the most frequent questions is: What is
the difference between having a strong intention for something
and trying to control? I asked Nancy to speak to that.
"There is a big difference between having a strong
intention to do or be in the world and asking the world to be
different. A intention to find a person who is right for you
comes from your own sense of personal security and a knowing
that this is who I am--I know there is someone out there for
me, and I intend to be open.
The other vibration of hoping to find someone is so needy
itís irritating. People who are always saying, "Iím
looking for the right relationship, but itís really hard to
meet someone. There are so few good people out there, and so
on. Weíve all heard the same old complaints. These people,
for whatever reason, are more attached to the idea of looking
and judging, rather than finding and relating. Their vibration
is one of struggle, which is what they will attract. When you
say, ĎI know itís going to happen. I donít care when it
happens,í there is a sense of ease, not struggle. Itís
assumed that everything is in perfect flow."
Become Aware of the Tone of the Relationship
How do you know when to end a relationship with someone?
Nancy said, "The intuitive approach is not to take
action, nor to fix something, nor be disruptive. Every
situation in your life and every relationship has an energy of
its own. Itís your job to follow that. People drive
themselves crazy trying to figure out whatís going to happen
in a relationship. We think we have to choose and direct,
rather than realize that itís our job to respond to what is.
We try to resuscitate something when itís clearly dead. We
keep questioning what is because it doesnít fit our
Donít Compromise if It Means Giving Up Something
I mentioned that I recently was consulted by a
thirty-nine-year old woman, who is married to a man a few
years older than she. Her dream is to have kids, but she feels
time is running out, and she wonders what to do about her
marriage since he isnít showing a great deal of interest in
children. She felt she had three options: One, get divorced.
Two, stay and accept him the way he is and let him know
strongly what she wants. Or three, drop the idea of kids and
just be together. Nancy responded by saying, "There is a
tendency in this case to give your power to the other person,
to feel that you are at the affect of the situation.
Compromise is not a good word because it usually means someone
has to give up wanting what they want. The intuitive way is
not to disrupt what is happening and do something forced, but
to hold the tension of what you want and what is. Something
needs to give. A broader world needs to open where that
tension will be resolved harmoniously. One person cannot just
give up. I suggest people identify the elements of the
conflicts and use it as a meditation and live with that Ďsoup.í
You are a cook and your soup isnít seasoned correctly yet.
"Truly the world is an illusion and a complete mirror
of our internal state. So if you give up your dreams to be
with this person, you are holding yourself in a strait-jacket,
rather than saying, ĎYou know, I want both things. How can
we do this?í Watch what happens. It may be the relationship
will break up. I keep discovering that the more Iím willing
to be me, the more the world responds to me positively. I
really think women are the ones who have to move first. Women
are the leaders. We take the step into the unknown."
True to Self or Selfish?
I asked Nancy what she could say about that edge between
being committed to be who you are and feeling selfish? She
said, "I think it becomes selfish when we demand that our
partner or other people go along with our demands, or when we
judge them for their choices. The crux of relationship is this
idea of being who you are and not expecting other people to
take care of you emotionally or make you feel good. It is not
our partnerís job to make us feel good. A lot of people make
that mistake. ĎOh, you just hurt my feelings, how dare you.í
We start interfering with the flow. The important point is to
feel you are freely choosing to be there and itís not about
them fitting your image. Physical and emotional abuse, of
course, is a different story and usually requires professional
support or intervention to resolve.
"Itís always important to remember we are never
alone. Weíre actually in this huge ocean of universal
support, and itís always flowing through us and wants our
complete well-being. We can rely on intuition to connect
To contact Nancy Rosanoff for consultations, workshops, or
keynote presentations email her at email@example.com
or visit her website at www.rosanoff.com.
Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., is an internationally-known workshop
facilitator and author whose books have been translated into
over fifteen languages. Oprah hailed, The Purpose of Your
Life: Finding Your Place in the World Using Synchronicity,
Intuition, and Uncommon Sense (William Morrow, 1999) a
must-read. Her new book, When Life Changes, or You Wish It
Would: How to survive and thrive in uncertain times will
be in bookstores June 2002. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
or visit www.spiralpath.com
for a complete list of events and private consultation
|Author Carol Adrienne has
been an intuitive counselor since 1976. Visit her website at www.spiralpath.com
or call (510) 527-2213 for
- Personal consultations
- Numerology Life Charts describing your destiny
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