Every month, our Soulful
Reverend" shares her sage insights on relationships
and getting ready for soulful love! Send your
questions to RomanceRev@SoulfulLiving.com.
When Someone You Love Pushes Your Buttons
Dear Romance Reverend,
I have been begun dating someone who I believe is
"the one." I feel so closely connected. Yet I
notice that there are things about her that really make
me nuts. No one can push my buttons like she does,
except my mother maybe. How can I fix this situation and
make it better? – Andy, Chicago, IL
* * * *
Dear Andy –
Your new partner probably brings up some of the
unresolved issues you have with your mom, and forces you
to revisit that within you that needs some attention and
healing. You may do the same to her. Relationships often
bring all our "issues" up. Bringing these
things to light is not necessarily a "bad
thing." But is always a more pleasant experience if
you and your partner can deal with things in a
conscious, loving way. And it is always wise to clarify
the differences between getting your buttons pushed and
being in a relationship that is filled with a lot of
upset and aggravation.
Betty Eadie, who wrote Saved by the Light
and The Ripple Effect, says: "The purpose
of life on earth is to learn to love unconditionally, as
close as possible…To learn to love even those people
who are unlovable, to learn to love and accept them
unconditionally, and not be judgmental. Love is very
I don’t believe that you have to throw your arm
around every homeless person or force yourself to stay
in bad relationships, but intimate relationships beg us
to explore our shadow selves. These shadows are not the
"boogie man/woman;" they are signs that within
you live unknown aspects of self. In many cases, these
parts would never be discovered, were it not for the
partner who pushes your buttons!
If someone shows up in your life to share love, then
God and Goddess have brought you the great gift of a
partner to help you navigate the sometimes smooth, and
sometimes choppy, ocean of Relationships. This
person can be a romantic partner, a friend, a co-worker,
or a family member. If a relationship or interaction is
stimulating or triggering negative emotions or fears,
note where this person makes you angry, what about them
makes your blood boil; get in touch with what makes you
feel unloved or upset around them. Then consider they
are reflecting something to you that comes from within
you. It is one of the hardest lessons for us to
learn in life because we always want to point a finger
at the other person.
The people who show up in our lives all have a lesson
to bring us or learn with us. When relationships are
difficult is often because they are highlighting a
hidden part of the self that we have disowned or weren’t
even aware of. The gift is a chance to look deeply into
ourselves… and an opportunity to love ourselves even
more by loving "the other."
In these relationships, you may feel that you want to
flee… but you cannot flee from yourself. You will only
recreate the same pattern elsewhere.
When you learn to pay attention to the darker side of
relationships and not fear them simply because they are
dark, you will learn which relationships are truly good
for you and which you must leave behind. And you will be
able to learn which partnerships are ultimately healing
and which add injury and insult. This is a process that
requires you to take a lot of personal responsibility
– to detect and admit your own imbalances and to take
on the work of healing them, and by observing and making
a decision to alter co-dependent and unhealthy
As Mary Sarton once said, "No partner in a
love relationship should feel that he has to give up an
essential part of himself to make it viable." True
love is a state of freedom and authenticity. It is not
our place to try to fix, change or make somebody else
okay in life. Love, by its very nature, brings with it a
subtle yet sweeping transformative power that brings us
closer to our own greatness. But each partner in a love
relationship – as well as friends and family members
– must get there of their own accord, with love as the
gentle impetus, not as the sledge hammer that enforces
change. You can’t fix your partner, although you can
begin to alter your own understanding, behavior and
consciousness in the relationship. You can begin to
steer the relationship toward a more conscious
exploration of the shadowy sides of loving and being
intimate with another.
Some people come to us to teach us and then they move
on. Some come to learn with us but fail to take away
from the relationship the lessons that will empower them
to grow. It is important to assess the signs of a
partner who has no intention to evolve. The proof here
is in the pudding: they simply never make any effort to
change and you end up doing all the emotional work in
the relationship. You will naturally want to do all you
can to help this person along, but there will come a
time of reckoning, of absolute truth telling, when you
must assess if a relationship has run its course.
Talk to your loved one and see if she is willing to
discuss the situation and find out her point of view as
well: Is she feeling her buttons pushed by you? Telling
the truth, and opening the door to her telling the
truth, is the first step to liberate you and your loved
one from a negative pattern you may be stuck in. See if
you can open the dialog for some conscious and loving
exploration. Good luck!
© Copyright 2002 Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway All Rights
A Favorite Poem From The Romance
I believe the symbols of a healthy relationship
include a sense that two people have come together to
enhance one another and share life, but not live it
through one another. For those in a relationship, and
all those searching, I share this poem by poet Carol
Fitchett. It is a reading I often use in weddings to
illustrate how to create health and balance in modern
relationships. In the context of such a relationship, it
is understood that people in intimate unions will
trigger one another’s "issues," but that a
couple will face the shadowy side of love and romance
– together – each agreeing to a certain amount of
When I Come To You
I come not to change you,
But only to delight in our individuality,
I come not to lean upon you,
But only with desire for our love.
I come not to deplete you,
But only to add my life force to yours.
I come not to possess you,
But only to awaken our sharing.
I come not to stand firm upon only my opinion,
But rather to lie closely beside you in tenderness.
When I come to you, I ask only that we come together
-- Carol Fitchett
THOUGHTS ON LOVE:
What pushes your buttons in
relationships? Do you notice any reoccurring patterns?
Reverend Laurie Sue's Current Column
Reverend Laurie Sue's Past Columns:
2002 - "When Life Has You Down, Remember You Are
2002 - "Plan a Valentine's Day Team Date"
2002 - "Do I Hear Him Knocking … From the Other
2001 - "How Do We Make Our Love Dreams Come True?"
2001 - "What is the Future of Love?"
2001 - "Getting to Know
the Goddess of Good Fortune"
2001 - "Can't Hurry Love... It Will Happen in Its Right Moment"
2001 - "Family Rituals Help Us Grow Into Loving Beings"
2001 - "Dreams Warn It’s Time To Own Your Power"
2001 - "A Fun Visual of Your Favorite Romance"
May 2001 - "Someday
Your Mystical Soul Mate Will Come"
2001 - "Enjoy the Merriment and Fun of An Ancient Love
2001 - "Nourish Yourself On a Date for One"
2001 - "Get Ready for Soulful Love"
Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway is an author,
teacher and contemporary clergy person who specializes
in matters of the heart and soul. As an ordained
interfaith minister and non-denominational wedding
officiant, it is her honor to regularly marry couples in
Prior to becoming a minister she enjoyed a successful
and colorful 20 years in media as a widely published
journalist, editor and author of several books on
relationships and romance—as well as being a noted
spokesperson on those topics. She was editor-in-chief of
two national magazines and several regional
publications, and her articles have been published
around the world and in many newspapers and national
magazines, such as the NY Daily News, The
Washington Post, Women’s News, New Woman,
Ladies’ Home Journal and Child.
She evolved years of specialized reporting in the field
of male-female relationship dynamics into a more
spiritual pursuit that led her to train to be an
interfaith minister, and then establish her wedding
ministry along with a number of popular relationship
enhancement programs. Her wedding ministry is based in
She is also dedicated to bringing about a deeper
awareness and understanding of the Divine Feminine. As a
graduate of The New Seminary in NYC, the world’s
premier seminary for interfaith ministers, she was
educated and trained in the tenants, spiritual practice
and worship of many faiths. She became a specialist in
the feminine aspects of God in all the world’s
religions. Today, she is widely recognized as a
minister, teacher and scribe specializing in women’s
spirituality and The Divine Feminine from an interfaith
and all-inclusive perspective. She is on the
board of directors of World Light Fellowship, heading up
their Feminine Faces of God programs, and is
Founder of Our Mother’s House, a cyber ministry at www.OurMothersHouse.org.
Long devoted to helping women access the "Goddess Within," she is currently
working on two books that bring the wisdom of ancient archetypes to modern
women. Her newest book, A Goddess Is a Girl's Best Friend, is due out from
Perigee Books in December 2002.
To be placed on a mailing list for information
about A Goddess Is A Girl’s Best Friend: OurMothersHouse@aol.com
TO SOULFUL THOUGHTS