Numerology, Love & Appreciation

“… If you can sell the idea to people that you are sincere and you mean what you say, everybody wants to buy sincerity. You don’t mean them any harm. They want you…” George Foreman, AARP Magazine, Sep/Oct 2003

This month we will look at Love and Appreciation. More specifically, I would like to focus in on tools for effective communication within relationships. In our lives, we all have various associations, in which we need to be genuine and communicate effectively for our relationships to flourish. If we appreciate someone then we probably want him/her to be part of our lives. Through effective communication we can express who we are, as well as our hopes and dreams.

However, some of us may need help with these skills. We aren’t all social butterflies and some cultural holidays, may even make many people feel isolated. In fact, recent research by John Cacioppo, professor of psychology, UC, published in Psychology Today, found that those who perceived themselves as lonely had higher levels of cortisol, which a stress hormone that causes the body to store fat. This can significantly increase your risks for heart disease.

Also, a University of Chicago study does show that people who are socially connected get a more restorative night’s sleep. Other psychological theories, including work like that done by Abraham Maslow show we have a “hierarchy of needs.” He indicated that after we satisfy our basic needs (food, safety, shelter) then we are able to seek out a true love, friends and affectionate relationships. However, once we open ourselves to developing relationships, we can become vulnerable to loneliness. To best avoid this, it would be best to have well developed communication skills. Perhaps, the better your communication skills, the better your self-esteem and physical health!

We all need to communicate every day. We all have bosses, friends, roommates or family. Unfortunately, we may feel “appreciation” for these people very deeply but somehow be unable to express our thoughts and feelings. Does anything hold you back from being open, straightforward and honest with the people that matter? Are you ever afraid of their reactions? Are you afraid of their perceptions? How the others in your life respond to you can indicate the type of people they are. Of course, if you don’t communicate effectively, then how can you succeed in an intimate relationship?

In a recent “Psychology Today, Relationship Insights” article Shelly Gable, assistant professor of psychology at the University of California examined how couples share everyday positive events, because she thought other research focused on the negative. She looked at the ways in which an individual responded to good news from his/her partner. She believed that when we respond in a positive way for our partners then we help to build and nurture trust, commitment and intimacy. It doesn’t matter whether the event is large or small, or common. A positive, non-passive, reaction simply allows the other person to feel validated. This also helps to build reinforcing, happy, memories of the occasion.

We can utilize Numerology to focus on aspects of our own personalities that will help us to more successfully communicate in a relationship, as the benefits of good social skills are clear! First, we will look at your Soul Number. As your Soul Number represents internal qualities and desires, it may help you to shine light on where you can best improve your communication skills.

For instance, if you are introverted (Soul Number 5, 7, 9 or this can be indicated by your other Core Numbers) then it’s important to talk with your partner about privacy and personal space needs. If you don’t talk about your needs, then you may feel encroached upon and resentment can build up. For these people, it will be important to set aside personal time and space for themselves and for the relationship. You may want to find ways to bring fun/excitement into your relationship. Perhaps, an element of risk can be added as well. Your activities don’t have to be complicated, and they can help you to build trust in
your relationship.

If you like control and responsibility (as indicated by Soul Numbers 1,4,6,8) then it will be very important for you to find ways to be respectful and communicate honestly without being dominating or playing mind games. Generally, you will want things done a certain way. You may need to find ways to be more tolerant and less demanding. Listening to your “inner critic” may help you focus on ways to help you to be more friendly and communicate effectively. We are usually more critical of ourselves than others. Working with your “inner critic,” perhaps through voice dialogue, can help you to see how you communicate with yourself and perhaps how you deal with and relate to others.

It may also help to understand the role of gender in communication. Studies have shown that men and women do communicate differently. In fact, Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University linguistics professor and author (You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation) says that for most women conversation is a way of connecting, collaborating and negotiating. Men, on the other hand, use conversation to achieve or uphold social status and to compete. She also says that because women tend to downplay their expertise, they can look like they lack confidence. She also says that women pay more attention than men to underlying meanings about intimacy.

In a recent interview, she says “I've always been trying to figure out how ways of talking affect people's relationships.” Through her writings, she tries to allow you to be better alert to your personal communication habits. Perhaps there are reasons why you communicate in those ways, but you should know the impact that your conversations can have on others. Her goal is to give power to you, so that you can decide how to effectively communicate in relationships.

Next we will look at your Maturity Number. It will help you to know your habits, blocks or obstacles. Your Maturity number can help you to know about your “hot buttons,” perhaps as they relate to your own personal needs. When you know what can trigger your emotions you will be better able to acknowledge your emotions and work through them while still being able to converse with your partner. Personal growth can be hard work! One of the most difficult aspects of it is trying to be with the tension that your emotions can bring up. This is known as living within the tension of opposites. 

Your Maturity Number can help to indicate things to watch out for in your life, as well as possible courses of action that may help you live with more awareness. As you know, your Maturity number begins to have a stronger and deeper impact on your life after the age of 35. It encompasses qualities that relate to your true self. Hence, when you are younger it might not be as easy to follow its pull, as you may be swayed by the needs of others or your partner. As we mature we all learn lessons about compromise, selflessness and sharing. The stronger your ability to accurately communicate with others about your needs then the more likely it will be that as you age that your relationships will be able to support them.

In any relationship, direct communication will be important. Remember that miscommunication can be a great hurdle to overcome in any relationship. Sharing your personal numbers can also play a pivotal role in allowing your partner to better understand you. Of course, not all relationships will be appropriate for sharing your numbers. What then? You may have to do more of the work in this case. Find ways that allow you to honestly get to know the people around you. Ask questions and have concern for the answers. How better to appreciate someone than to have genuine concern for them?

Also, you may decide that some relationships are not as important as others. Work on the ones that are important. Your “personal numbers" do not limit you to certain relationships. They simply illustrate potential parts of your personality. They can also shine light on your communication skills, by allowing you to understand your personal stress points or hot buttons. However, we all have free will, and are always free to make new choices, behave differently, or communicate better.

Be willing to learn from your mistakes. Be a good listener. Be sincere. Find ways to support yourself and strengthen your communication skills. Perhaps this can be done by regularly asking for feedback from your partner, journaling, networking, movie therapy or finding new and fun ways to be social together.

Copyright © 2004 Rob Ragozzine. All Rights Reserved.